I stop, hand on the wall next to the still ringing phone, I pause. Take a deep breath, reach for the phone and, this is why I hate the phone pixie, it stops. I suppose it seems a little silly to get so worked up about the phone ringing but I'm expecting a call, an important call and the phone pixie knows it. Okay, okay, its fine 1471, just dial 1471. I pick up the receiver and punch the number, there's a brief chirp of the dial tone then a robotic sounding voice says, “Telephone number oh, five, six, two, two, six, six, six, oh, oh, one, seven called today at Eleven twenty six AM. To return the call press three.” I push 3 on the keypad, the robotic voice says, “I'm sorry I did not catch that please try again” bloody phone pixie! I mash my hand against the key pad in frustration hitting all the buttons at once. “you dialled Six, Six, Six” the robotic voice drones. “don't think so” I say. “Connecting you to the offices of LUCIFER” the robotic voice drops about 5 octaves and goes all sinister as it says Lucifer. Okay this doesn't sound good I think. There is a short pause while the call is connected. I try to put the phone down, try very hard, but I can't do it. Its like there's an elastic band holding the phone to my ear and the harder I try to pull away the tighter it constricts. Panic is beginning to make its self known.
“Hi, you've reached HELL, Northwest branch, operating with the express permission of Lucifer IV. My name is Wendy. Please use your phone key pad to enter your account number” “I, er. What?” verbose as always I stumble on “I? Mistake, er, not....” “Sir, your account number” Wendy's calm pleasant voice calms me down a little and I blurt out, “I don't have an account number, sorry. Wrong number, sorry, sorry. I...” “You don't have an account number?” “No... Sorry” “Ooowh goodie!” She's sounding very exited now, very happy. My sense of calm, however vague it may have been, is slipping away very quickly now. “wh, wh-h-h, What?” I'm trembling a little now and my voice seems to be trying to desert me. “A new applicant” Wendy, I imagine, must be jumping up and down on her chair, “I haven't had a new minion in ages.... shit. Sorry.” there's a short pause, maybe She's changed her mind and hung up? “[Cough,]” I guess not. “I'm sorry. I get exited about you new guys but Mr L says were not supposed to call you minions any more its not 'PC' or something!” “Help!” I had hoped for a mighty bellow to alert the neighbours to my plight, unfortunately, as my voice has already packed its over night bag and sneaked out thought the bathroom window, all I manage is a pathetic little squeak. “Okay then, lets go through the oath thing'y shall we?” She seems to have calmed down a little now and, if she heard it, doesn't seem worried by my mighty squeak for help. “I know you must be very excited about this new chapter in your life Mr McLeod. So, if your having trouble speaking, don't worry, it's perfectly normal at this point. You don't need to repeat anything after me, your silence will be taken as acceptance.” just bloody great that is! I begin to summon up all the strength I can so I will be able to yell 'no' at the top of my voice but, before I can, She continues, “If you are able to speak, anything you say will also be taken as compliance” “I like this bit,” I hate Her. “Gets me every time, Okay, I Dante McLeod” I don't remember telling this psycho my name! “.. agree to serve the Dark Lord, Mr L to us long term employees, in any and all capacity required to the best of my ability for the duration of not less that six hundred and sixty six years”. “Short term contract then!..” Looks like my voice forgot its tooth brush and sneaked back in “Let me tell you, I.. it.. what the f..? Cant just..” and now its gone again. “Mr McLeod. Dante, can I just say what a privilege it has been to indoctrinate you into our ranks. If I had a heart it would be beating a little faster right now” Its getting very warm and the light is fading which is very strange because it cant be any later than mid day. What little light there is is a horrible red colour. I feel very faint but I still cant put the phone down or even move away from it. Something twinkles just in front of my eyes It takes me a moment to realise its a tear rolling down the tip of my nose. As it reaches the end of my nose it drops, I watch it fall. “Dante, are you still there. Poor thing, must be speechless with all the excitement. Well bye, bye. For now” Wendy hangs up just as the tear hits the ground and the sparkle disappears. The receiver falls to the ground seconds later. Then I become aware of a strange sound, not a pleasant sound, try to imagine a Ford fiesta on an infinitely long cattle grid and you'd be close.