The Dude Saga Part One
The End
Its the phone pixie again, she has it in for me. I think I have
her system figured out, it goes something like this:1.is Dante near the phone ? If yes then don't ring if no the go to 2,
2.is Dante in the same room as the phone? If yes consider ringing if no go to to 3,
3.is Dante halfway up the stairs preferably carrying something heavy? if yes ring and ring and.... well you get the idea As the infuriating shrill of the phone begins in earnest I turn and sprint down the stairs. I guess I miss-timed something because I bounce of the wall at the bottom of the stairs and, instead of rebounding in to the corridor, I career into the opposite wall and end up on my arse. The phone is still ringing. I get up and run into the living room knocking some books of my bookshelf and crashing into the sofa along the way.
I stop, hand on the wall next to the still ringing phone, I pause. Take a deep breath, reach for the phone and, this is why I hate the phone pixie, it stops. I suppose it seems a little silly to get so worked up about the phone ringing but I'm expecting a call, an important call and the phone pixie knows it. Okay, okay, its fine 1471, just dial 1471. I pick up the receiver and punch the number, there's a brief chirp of the dial tone then a robotic sounding voice says, “Telephone number oh, five, six, two, two, six, six, six, oh, oh, one, seven called today at Eleven twenty six AM. To return the call press three.” I push 3 on the keypad, the robotic voice says, “I'm sorry I did not catch that please try again” bloody phone pixie! I mash my hand against the key pad in frustration hitting all the buttons at once. “you dialled Six, Six, Six” the robotic voice drones. “don't think so” I say. “Connecting you to the offices of LUCIFER” the robotic voice drops about 5 octaves and goes all sinister as it says Lucifer. Okay this doesn't sound good I think. There is a short pause while the call is connected. I try to put the phone down, try very hard, but I can't do it. Its like there's an elastic band holding the phone to my ear and the harder I try to pull away the tighter it constricts. Panic is beginning to make its self known.
“Hi, you've reached HELL, Northwest branch, operating with the express permission of Lucifer IV. My name is Wendy. Please use your phone key pad to enter your account number” “I, er. What?” verbose as always I stumble on “I? Mistake, er, not....” “Sir, your account number” Wendy's calm pleasant voice calms me down a little and I blurt out, “I don't have an account number, sorry. Wrong number, sorry, sorry. I...” “You don't have an account number?” “No... Sorry” “Ooowh goodie!” She's sounding very exited now, very happy. My sense of calm, however vague it may have been, is slipping away very quickly now. “wh, wh-h-h, What?” I'm trembling a little now and my voice seems to be trying to desert me. “A new applicant” Wendy, I imagine, must be jumping up and down on her chair, “I haven't had a new minion in ages.... shit. Sorry.” there's a short pause, maybe She's changed her mind and hung up? “[Cough,]” I guess not. “I'm sorry. I get exited about you new guys but Mr L says were not supposed to call you minions any more its not 'PC' or something!” “Help!” I had hoped for a mighty bellow to alert the neighbours to my plight, unfortunately, as my voice has already packed its over night bag and sneaked out thought the bathroom window, all I manage is a pathetic little squeak. “Okay then, lets go through the oath thing'y shall we?” She seems to have calmed down a little now and, if she heard it, doesn't seem worried by my mighty squeak for help. “I know you must be very excited about this new chapter in your life Mr McLeod. So, if your having trouble speaking, don't worry, it's perfectly normal at this point. You don't need to repeat anything after me, your silence will be taken as acceptance.” just bloody great that is! I begin to summon up all the strength I can so I will be able to yell 'no' at the top of my voice but, before I can, She continues, “If you are able to speak, anything you say will also be taken as compliance” “I like this bit,” I hate Her. “Gets me every time, Okay, I Dante McLeod” I don't remember telling this psycho my name! “.. agree to serve the Dark Lord, Mr L to us long term employees, in any and all capacity required to the best of my ability for the duration of not less that six hundred and sixty six years”. “Short term contract then!..” Looks like my voice forgot its tooth brush and sneaked back in “Let me tell you, I.. it.. what the f..? Cant just..” and now its gone again. “Mr McLeod. Dante, can I just say what a privilege it has been to indoctrinate you into our ranks. If I had a heart it would be beating a little faster right now” Its getting very warm and the light is fading which is very strange because it cant be any later than mid day. What little light there is is a horrible red colour. I feel very faint but I still cant put the phone down or even move away from it. Something twinkles just in front of my eyes It takes me a moment to realise its a tear rolling down the tip of my nose. As it reaches the end of my nose it drops, I watch it fall. “Dante, are you still there. Poor thing, must be speechless with all the excitement. Well bye, bye. For now” Wendy hangs up just as the tear hits the ground and the sparkle disappears. The receiver falls to the ground seconds later. Then I become aware of a strange sound, not a pleasant sound, try to imagine a Ford fiesta on an infinitely long cattle grid and you'd be close.The sound is laughter.
I'm laughing.
The Dude Saga Episode 2
Dude Goes into a bar.
It was cold and dark. The pub looked warm and less dark. These two simple facts made for an easy decision I swung open the door to the Buxom Wench and without a second thought marched on in.
As far as pubs go the Buxom Wench was at the lower end of the class / cleanliness scale. Bare wooden floorboards, well worn red, probably used to be velvet, chairs. And a long dark wooden bar shiny from use and spilt beer rather than care and attention. Behind the bar stood, perhaps unsurprisingly, a barman. Barely able to peer over the bar his balding head bobbed along behind the bar as he preformed, what I imagined, were his barman duties.
I walked toward the bar; it seemed the best place to start. Still looking around, trying to get a feel for the old place I noticed two old men deep in conversation, a few singles sitting at various tables minding their own. And, sitting alone, all by herself, with no one for company and looking right at me and smiling, a beautiful, radiant young woman. She could not have looked more out of place if she had been naked and smoking a small fried rodent. I smiled back, well it’s only polite. Having reached the bar I decided to order a drink, to steady my nerve, before trying my luck.
“Bitter, please” I said, to the barman. He looked up at me, raised one quizzical eyebrow, shrugged then disappeared behind the bar. I tapped my fingers on the bar and waited, impatiently. After a short while the bartender reappeared, holding in his podgy hand a pint glass filled to the brim with a green liquid. Though it did have a good head on it, it was clearly not what I had ordered.
“Two quid” said the bartender expectantly.
“Bitter!” Said I. The bartender shrugged. “BIIIITTTTER?” I almost shouted it this time; the bartender however was not impressed he merely shrugged, again, and held out his grubby paw. Reluctantly I gave him a two pound coin, which vanished into his apron immediately, and collected my pint of green? Looking round I decided, uncharacteristically, to try my luck with the redhead in the corner. As I approached her she smiled and pointed to the seat opposite her own.
“I’m Sallagan Brodie, pleased to meet you ..?”
“McLeod. Er, Dante McLeod” So much for smooth. Sallagan smiled at me as I sat down and our eyes met for the briefest of moments then she raised her glass, like mine it was also full of something green, and took a large gulp. A bright shower of sparks cascaded from Sallagan’s left ear. I was, to say the least, a little surprised. Surprised enough to raise one eyebrow in a quizzical manor and point at her ear. Sallagan smiled and said:
“Drink up it’sh good tonisht..” She seemed to be slurring her words a little “Drinkshup! Hic!”
Things were getting a little strange. Sallagan watched me over the top of her glass as she downed the rest of her pint of green. Looking disappointedly into the empty glass she must have noticed the bartender lurking nearby as she raised her glass in his direction and wiggled it around in the air a bit. The bartender nodded in acknowledgement and promptly disappeared behind the bar, reappearing some minutes later carrying, a tray with two glasses of green and wearing a big smile. He brought the drinks and his smile to our table handed one glass to Sallagan while placing the other on the table next to my first, still untouched, drink.
“Hic-up!” said Sallagan to the barman by way of thanks.
The barman – ‘my name is Collin’ it says on his badge… - Collin, farts, looks apologetically in my direction then leaves.
Sallagan laughed and downed her fresh pint of green in one. A little rivulet of green ran down her chin when she had finished, I pointed this out, politely. Sallagan caught the droplet of green, as it hung from her chin, on the end of her index finger then pressed her finger to my lips. It was bitter though not entirely unpleasant.
“Drink” encouraged the redhead. So I did; both pints in rapid succession. Sallagan smiled and rolled her eyes upwards until only the whites were showing then slowly her pupils re-emerged one at a time from her lower eyelid as though her eyes had rotated through a full 360 degrees, neat trick I thought. Then her skin turned blue! Bright blue! I tried to push my chair back so I could stand up and run away, like a frightened school girl, but I could not. So I sat and watched a Sallagan, blue skin, red hair, began to speak in a very deep and masterful voice about the mechanical problems that would have to be overcome if we ever hoped to be able to “build a dyson sphere from the solar planets”.
Next thing I knew Sallagan is leaning over the table looking into my eyes (well with her left eye, the right one was still slowly spinning) and puckering up for a kiss. I should have screamed. I should have run. I should have crawled under the table and hid like a naughty kid in a restaurant. What I did was pucker up and leans forward. She head butted me. Then my good friend oblivion came and took me on a long trip to never land.